There Is No Shame

She’s on her period.

OMG, she is going through ‘the change’.

She has the ‘baby blues’

She will get over it. Just leave her alone, she’s just being hormonal again.

Oh boy, they are being dramatic again and trying to get attention. 

First of all, why are we always whispering and hiding things that affect women and their biological transitions? It isn’t like they asked for it. I know I didn’t go to the Hormone Shop at 12 and say, ‘Hey, what is the best, most bloody and painful period you have. The one that will cause me to have a hysterectomy at 34 years old.’ Nope, don’t remember doing that. I do remember being embarrassed about having to buy products for it. I remember at some points wondering if I could afford them. But I definitely do NOT remember going and asking for this. 

I don’t remember asking to be so dysregulated after having a baby, or constantly feeling like a bad mother because I was so exhausted and got upset with one of my kids. I don’t remember asking to feel like I wanted to end my life when I was 46 because my emotions were everywhere. The things I could normally handle felt so heavy. Then you add ANY, and I mean ANY stress to this, and I honestly wanted to leave this planet. I didn’t ask to feel like I was cooking from the inside out, and only an ice bath would do the cooling I needed. 

So then why is there a stigma around it? Why is it whispered and kept hidden? Why aren’t doctors trained better to deal with these things? Why is there shame in saying you need help, both mentally and physically, within your home and family? 

I believe everyone should be taught how to speak with someone going through something. Whether it be a big something or a small something, how we show up is important because it may seem to us like the problem is the size of a grain of salt, but to them it is a huge mountain. 

Here are some things I learned while going through peri-menopausal depression, having a child who didn’t want to be here and post-partum psychosis in my family. 

• Listen to them. Like truly listen. Put your phone down, turn off the t.v., put away your laptop and listen. Don’t look at them but LISTEN, without judgement and without commentary and advice. 

• Believe them when they say something. When you deny them their experience, they will shut down. They need you to listen and accept what they are saying. 

• Don’t take things personally.

• Remember our faces say more than words sometimes. 

• Remind them that you care and love them. That they are important to you for who they are, not what they do for you. That they are more than just the person who does (insert task or job). 

• Acknowledge that their feelings are valid. That they are real and NEVER tell them they are overreacting or being dramatic. 

• Don’t push them! Don’t push them for answers about what is wrong or what they are thinking or feeling. Build the trust they need to open up to you. 

The first person I told about my thoughts was my therapist. She then helped me develop strategies and helped me find ways to communicate to my husband what was going on and what I needed. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over time, talking and learning about how to process and communicate. 

If you are reading this and you are the one feeling these things, know that it is nothing to hide. It is nothing you should hide. Once people become open about their experiences, others will feel open to share theirs. If you don’t know where to start, send us a message, call your doctor or tell someone you trust. The more we communicate and talk LOUDLY about things, the more people will do the same.