The Journey Back to Each Other

Today, I want to talk about something I think will be useful for everyone reading this. Let’s return to the basics – what every relationship needs at its foundation. The basis of what the Gottman Method says is fondness, admiration and being able to understand your partner. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy says that it's about emotional connection and attachment security. What does that mean for people who are struggling with relationships? Often that means that there is a disconnect between what or how you thought a relationship is supposed to look like and what’s actually happening in the relationship. It means that many things have probably happened by now that get you to doubt if things will get to the point where you’re both willing to work on the relationship together. It means that perhaps things have been building up for some time that aren’t being communicated to each other.

The actual solution may appear easy, but there are many obstacles: the main objective is to expand the sense of positive interactions, the sense of teamwork and friendship you have towards one another. An important aspect of this is that you will be given a chance to demonstrate in the sessions that you actually have the capability of making things better. You will learn to demonstrate your vulnerabilities, fears, hopes, aspirations, and express what you both feel is either missing or lost over the years. You will also have a chance to renew yourselves in the relationship. Couples often struggle with their own individuality, fearing judgment, the worst outcome, and that their partner will not make an effort to understand their point of view. In my experience, these feelings do not happen in isolation, as partners often cite examples of how they were dismissed, judged or humiliated for having the feelings or thoughts that they do, so much that they would rather bury or hide/suppress their feelings rather than encounter these feelings head-on.

To build on a friendship means that, as two individuals, how do you enjoy spending time together, and if you spend time apart, how do you know that you still have that connection? Loneliness, often a sign of disconnect in friendship. Admiration is often a sign that couples are not emotionally connecting anymore. A couple’s therapist will often use the words turning towards each other, outside the sessions, this might look like date nights, doing couple activities together, and making each other feel valued and important. When was the last time you felt special? Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to feel special 24/7 by your partner, but you need to have these moments more often than not.  Other ways to do this: Complimenting your partner, gift-giving, taking care of tasks for your partner, thinking about your partner’s best interests by taking care of tasks that they were going to do. Sometimes things like physical touch after a long day are a blessing; sometimes letting your partner know that you’ll be picking up supplies on your way home before it's being asked of you is a blessing. Maybe even sitting at that racetrack watching cars whiz by even though you have zero interest in it, but supporting your partner’s interest is a blessing. How about a photoshoot? Other than the wedding, when is the last time you both did that? These things create moments that is intimate between two people. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you look over, and they're smiling and laughing, not at you, but with you, okay, sometimes maybe at each other. 

Maybe it's important to notice that sometimes you both may not like the same flavour of ice cream, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t both enjoy just having ice cream with each other.